The Litany Against Fear

I will not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. (Frank Herbert)

Monday, July 26, 2010

6 Months Later...

I'm making the rounds. Checking up on friends and updating my blog after a long hiatus. Anya is a happy and healthy 9 month old, and so far nothing about her is out of the ordinary. She's full of giggles and smiles, coos and baby babble, and lots of love. Perfection! I am doing well. Last brain MRI came back negative so I'm getting well acquainted with NED (no evidence of disease). Of course I cannot be content because I still fear its eventual return. We are living with my brother and his family for financial reasons and it has come to my attention that I am a bit of a negative person. A spoil sport. A pessimist. I know I've always had a half-empty sort of outlook, but I think my trials have made it worse. I'm working on changing my attitude because the last thing I want is to pass this on to Anya.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Time goes by...

As usual, life gets a little busy and I disappear from cyberspace. Anya is growing well, developing well, and a little bit of a tyrant. Oh joy! Little bit of a scare when bone scan/MRI showed mysterious spots on my tailbone. Decided to wait 2 months for another scan to show just what the spots were doing. My other option was an immediate biopsy, and that seemed a bit overkill. It was terrible to wait, wondering if I was going to have to try a new chemo and therapy regimen while trying to take care of an infant. Finally I got my second scans and the spots vanished. Docs figure it might be pregnancy/delivery related. Now it is just another thing to keep an eye on as the year rolls onward. I have treatment in a few days. I actually look forward to them because Anya spends the day with her Aunt or her grandparents and I get a break. I don't even mind that for most of that break I'm too tired to do anything but sleep.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Anya meets Dr Lee

I took Anya in to the cancer clinic to meet the nurses and Dr. Lee. Everyone was overjoyed to see her, which isn't a surprise, but I did get another hug from Dr. Lee. He told me that getting to see her made his day, his week, his month and his year. Oncologists have to try very hard not find the fine line between caring for patients and not getting too attached because the losses would be too emotionally draining. He's done well keeping on that line but I think Anya's arrival has pushed him over a little. It means a great deal to me that he cares for me, and us, in that way, because we certainly have felt that way about him for years.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Greatful for such a caring team!

Went in to the clinic to have my port flushed. I decided not to bring Anya because her sensitive immune system. Her visit can wait a few more weeks. I was totally surprised that the staff had given Anya several gifts. It meant so much to me as a symbol of the depth of their care and their ability to get intimately connected with their patients because they are a smaller practice.

This was my oncologist's note in the card: "She is beautiful. Words fail me. We are so glad for you!"

Words seldom fail him.

In Seattle there are several "top notch" cancer facilities, but in my opinion they all pale in comparison to the doctors and staff at

Puget Sound Cancer Centers

...especially Dr. Doug Lee...a hero in my book.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

She's Home!

Anya came home on Saturday, November 7th. It was such a relief to finally get out of the damn hospital. Two solid weeks was almost more than I could handle. Thankfully one of the social workers was also a cancer survivor and understood I was a little more fragile than many of the other mothers around me. There were a few days I could not stop crying and for no apparent reason.

Anyway, we're home now and trying to get into the swing of things. We had gotten so accustomed to the hospital, where everything was in its place and there was a sink and a fridge in the room, and a nurse came in every three hours to remind us to feed Anya. Having to do it all ourselves was a bit of a disaster the first night but we made it through.

Tomorrow will be her first visit to her regular pediatrician and not the hospital pediatrician. I'm sure I'll have nightmares tonight about them sending her back to the hospital for a few more weeks.

As I should be sleeping now I'm off to bed.