A Sad Realization

I've realized that I became the person I least wanted to be, the person who becomes their diagnosis. My daily life was spent thinking about and reacting to chemotherapy. "How do I feel now? Am I too tired to clean the kitchen? Damn this chemo for making me feel so tired." I spent time researching my options, talking to friends about how things were going, talking to absolute strangers about how things were going. People wanted to talk to me and spend time with me because I was sick, because I could die. Now in the absence of chemotherapy and in the face of remission (short or long-term) I feel completely lost. I have no sense of self anymore. What am I if not someone sick from chemo? Who am I if not someone who has cancer? No one calls anymore to see if I'm alright or to grab up every moment of what precious time I have left. I have time on my hands and nothing to fill that time with. I am boring, bored, and completely beside myself with fear and anxiety. I have already been chastised for feeling this way. People who still have cancer, who are still staring into the face of death and trying to beat it away with a stick, have told me to essentially get over it and start living life again. I contend that I was living life more when I was sick then I ever did before or since. I may not be staring death in the face anymore, but it is near-by, a shadow on my mind. It lurks, it waits, and it will be back. No matter how hopeful everyone is about my future I know it will be back. No one has Stage IV breast cancer go into remission indefinitely. But if they are lucky enough to have it go into remission at all they should count their blessings and enjoy it. Right? My death sentence has been temporarily revoked and I should be living my life to the fullest. Right? Not as easy as it sounds. At least not for me.